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I'm already dead, now I just wait for death... · · · #sad #depressed #depression #suicide #suicidal #poetry #aesthetic #anxiety #alone #lost #anxious #lonely #heartbroken #hurt #lostlove #broken #empty #tired

13 0 Jan 21, 2018

《to: i》 ⚠trigger warning⚠ she barely ate once a day. she drank again. every time she's hurting, she ends up in the front seat of some boy's car. she takes pills every day. her free time is spent sleeping. she buys food and cooks for others, in hopes it will help her eat. It's the 7th time she's tried to make herself throwup. she gives up. not because it's unhealthy, but because she knows it doesn't work. she tries to force herself to eat, but she ends up just trying to make herself throwup again. her hands have touched the back of her throat and not even a flinch occurs. she cries every day. she stops talking to others. she never replies to texts. the only reason she hasn't stepped in front of a car is because she has a friend she must keep alive, in worse condition than herself. she feels like trash. every morning she looks in the mirror and hates herself more. she never wants to see you again. you're the one that made her realize, there's no innocent love in this world anymore...

18 2 Jan 21, 2018

《to: i》 you never were satisfied. you went away on a 7month vacation, yet you told her she would never understand how stressful it was to plan where to visit in spain, yet she was not eating anymore, her grades were Cs for the first time in her life, her 2nd roommate treated her like dirt, she needed a job or else she might have to transfer, her brothers were having a hard time, she cried nearly everyday. but you thought planning a week in spain was harder than what was occurring for her. when she said she needed space, she hadn't been eating much for 2weeks. she sobbed because she felt disloyal. but in reality, you caused her to feel like a vibrator, instead of a person. she asked for distance. she broke it off. you kept texting with hearts, kept saying you loved her. if you loved her, you would have listened, instead of watching her fall apart. 2weeks later, she calls you. you think she wants you back already, but really, your nagging has caused her more stress. she has nightmares, she can't sleep or eat. she doesn't speak or smile. she lays in bed all day. she breaks it off. she trusts a boy she just met 4days ago more than she trusts you. She says it's over, yet you say it's her fault she didn't communicate clear enough. but all she hears is that she's not good enough, when really, you just didn't listen when she cried out for help. she won't speak to you again. if you try, she won't reply. after she broke up with you, she felt so used, she didn't understand why you didn't listen, when you promised her you would. A month and a half later, she finds herself in the bedroom of the first and only boy she truly loved without pressure. she was so drunk she blacked out twice. what happened for 30 minutes here? why are we in uber? we are 40 minutes from home? shehad no one else to turn to. for three days she just slept and drank beer, soju, a little water so her headache would lessen. she smoked 10 cigarettes in an hour and a half. nothing worked. every time she ate, her stomach burned and hurt. she barely ate once a day... //to be continued pt. 3//

10 1 Jan 21, 2018

《to: i》 send me something i can touch myself to... she calls you to say she's having a hard time. she hardly eats anymore. she doesn't want to get out of bed in the morning. "i'm having a hard night. i'm crying." she sends, but you don't reply. she talks about her favorite movies, why a character is her favorite, and you reply with, "but you would pick me over them right?" did you actually take the time to listen? she says school is hard, she'll call you on the weekend, but you text her through her classes. she says goodnight because she has no more energy, but you nag for a "short" call that is 2 hours long, until past midnight for her... and you ask her if she's "in the mood" so you can masturbate to her. she learns what you like. she knows what you want and she does it so you'll stop asking. but you were lust filled. you just wanted more. "when i get back, you won't be able to walk for a week" you say to her. but you never asked her if that's what she wanted. she tells you she's not eating, she's not sleeping, her work is piling up. instead of only calling on the weekends like she requests, you call more. "touch yourself, it'll make you feel better." you tell her. "stop doing what you love. it distracts you too much." she didn't touch herself like you wanted to. some days you would get pissed or ask her why she's not "doing it how you asked her to." you f*****g b*****d. you ruined her. she tought maybe real love existed in the world, but instead you act like she's your personal prostitute. she's never good enough. your first fight is because you tell her she didn't respond like a girlfriend is supposed to, but since the beginning she told you she was not normal. you tell her to take notes from your best friend. she wishes she had the guts to yell at you, tell you to f**k y******f. she wishes she had told you to date your best friend, but she worried more about you than she even thought about herself. she had a plan for herself and you wanted to leach off her hard work. you never were satisfied. you went away on a 7month vacation //to be continued pt.2//

9 1 Jan 21, 2018


15 0 Jan 21, 2018

《to: i》 i never want to see you again, but in a week it will return. i will always be afraid of meeting you again. not because i am scared to speak to you. i shouldn't be. because no matter what i say to you, you deserve it. you took advantage of a young girl with deep wounds and heavy burdens, insecurities she's had since she was 7... you taught her to hide her emotions even more than she already did. you showed her what you told her you would never be, but somehow you were worse. if she sets eyes on you again, and she tells you to f*ck off or to leave her alone or that she wishes she never met you.. it's not just emotion speaking. she trusted you, and instead you made life harder. if she says those things, think about what you truly have done. when she said she didn't like something, you did it anyway. she says she's uncomfortable, yet you do it more. she tells you her insecurities and you listen but in your head, all you're doing is mentally undressing her. you said you loved her, but every time you called, you asked her to undress. when you asked her how it made her feel, if she felt good letting you grope her body, instead of watching the movie she was so excited to show you. she said i'm unsure, when you asked her if you touching her felt good, and you'd say take your time, but if she didn't decide yes soon enough, she was too indesicive, she was "toying with your emotions," if she didn't say it felt good, it was somehow her fault you touching her when it made her shake didn't feel good. you treated her like a sex toy, but expected her to be the shoulder for you when you needed it. but even then, you asked her to undress. she didn't it because you told her she was not acting like a normal girlfriend if she didn't. not touching each other meant not being more than friends for you. she did as you asked, but slowly she felt herself becoming numb. she faked the moans she made for you. she took her clothes off because she wanted to see if it was all your cared about. she was right. she stopped replying to texts because every text was the same. i need you. send me something i can touch myself to. //to be continued pt 1//

10 1 Jan 21, 2018
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