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I hate that, in the last week of rushing to meet a deadline, I haven't had the mental capacity to hold my grief and thinking about my mom with the stress of completing my dissertation. In the midst of my intense focus and concentration, I have these moments of realizing how meaningless this stress is, and that of course leads me to question everything I'm doing. What's the point? I don't have a mom, how am i possibly stressing so much over a document that probably no one is ever going to read? At the end of the day, none of this matters. It's like writing has given me this false sense of having "normal" things to worry about. None of it compares to the reality of being a motherless daughter. It's hard to continue writing after those moments. • It also makes me think of what it means that I'm able to focus and concentrate? I know that it's mostly my personality, the fear of missing a deadline has always held a lot of power over me. And I know I shouldn't read much into it, but I feel weird that I've been able to go hours at a time with the pain of grief and thoughts of my mom just bubbling at the surface, and not washing over me like it usually does. I know that this is almost necessary, in order to be a functional human being. But it's still unnerving. • Anyway, I'm eager to have the mental space to think about my mom with openness and depth, even though i know that the holidays and New Year will bring more looming, major life decisions with it. • Just thinking out loud, not soliciting advice. • #grief #motherlessdaughters #loss #mentalcapacity #brainspace

38 5 Dec 6, 2017

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19 0 Dec 6, 2017

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329 1 Dec 6, 2017
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